To The Maker for Salvation
by Sugarbubbleslove
Summary: This was the beginning of an end, in so many ways, and she feels she might not be able to go on Follows - Tear Your Heart Out and Pray 2/4


Title: To the Maker for Salvation

Characters: Alistair, Anora, Dog, Morrigan, Leliana, Arl Eamon, Solona Amell

Pairings: Alistair & Solona friendship

Rating: High Teen/Low Mature

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone/anything from the forum Dragon Age. Bioware owns Dragon Age and its characters. There is no copyright infringement intended. I do not make any profit/money or take any credit.

Summary: This was the beginning of an end, in so many ways and she feels she might not be able to go on

Timeline: Shortly after Landsmeet (AU for the results)

Warning: Character Death, angst

Author's Notes: This is **one** of my Head-Canon regarding the 'Magi-Origins' and **it's not pretty**.

Follows: '_Tear Your Heart Out and Pray'_

To The Maker for Salvation

'_Tear your heart out and pray to the Maker for salvation because there is none to be found within my arms.'_

"Alistair?" Solona slipped a hand over the man's stiff shoulder before she sat down next to him on the bed. She briefly caught sight of the tear-tracks on his cheeks, her gaze turning to the window.

In his right hand, the amulet he always wore was in a tight grip and she felt her heart break for the broken-hearted man next to her. She wished she hadn't given Arl Howe a quick death. He had deserved a slow painful death. But unfortunately for them, they had discovered the truth too late.

Alistair's betrothed was dead, killed at the hands of Arl Howe the night he had slaughtered her family. A tear slipped free, sliding down her cheek before she hurriedly wiped it away. Her dog's head was resting on Alistair's left knee giving him whatever comfort he could.

"There is nothing to live for," his broken voice sounded harsh in the silence. She turned her head to look at him. "She's dead."

"Alistair," tears choked her voice as she watched a tear slip free, sliding over his cheek and running under his chin. She didn't know what to say, the man she loved was still alive despite the rift between them. She had heard stories of Alistair's betrothed and it made her heart hurt to know that the young woman would never get the future she and Alistair had planned.

"What do I do?" he whispered, his gaze falling to his amulet.

"You fight," she whispered and he turned to look at her. "You fight the Darkspawns, you tear them down and you use your anger to push yourself on." She locked eyes with him, "Because it's the only thing that will help."

They lapsed into silence, staring at each other. She reached out, taking his hand in hers. He tightened his grip around hers.

"Does it work?" She swallowed before she closed her eyes, a tear slipping free.

"Sometimes," She admitted. "I don't think about him, my anger is focused on the target in front of me. But…"

"But?" he pushed. She sighed, opening her eyes, focusing on the headboard over his shoulder.

"Sometimes, late at night, my memories will come back to me. I can feel him against my body, I swear I can touch his skin, feel his lips against mine. I remember-" Her breath hitches, "I remember what it was like to have him, and I feel like I'm breaking on the inside because I don't think I have that chance anymore."

She watched as his lips tightened, tears filling his eyes and she feels worse than she did before but he had asked her and she could only tell the truth. It had been drilled into her at the Circle. You lie, you got found out and you were punished. You told the truth, they let you go. Horrible but it was her way of surviving.

"I don't…" he choked on a supressed sob. "I don't think I can live with that," he admitted. "I already feel like I have her in my arms, that I can smell her perfume and see that smile she always has for me." He chuckled weakly, shaking his head. "It's killing me, Solona. It's killing me that she had been dead all this time and I never knew it!"

He threw the amulet across the room where it hit the wall with a dull thud and she flinched, her eyes following over to the wall where she could see a small dent in the plaster before trailing down where the amulet lay on the floor.

"Alistair…" she turned back to see him staring at the amulet with a lost look on his face and her heart broke further. How could she help her best friend, her brother, through his personal hell? She had never lost anyone like this before, no-one she had been close to.

"I'm sorry," he turned to face her. "I wish to be alone," Alistair whispered. Solona nodded before she leaned in and pressed a kiss to Alistair's cheek then left the room, leaving her hound with him. "Sorry boy," he whispered, once he heard the door click close, patting the hound's head and receiving a lick in return. "I'm gonna need you to look after her."

Daleth whined, cocking his head but Alistair just took an ear in his hand, rubbing it and he laid his head back down on Alistair's thigh, understanding that the man had something he needed to do first and he would be content to protect them.

Solona gave a deep sigh as she rested her back against the door before bowing her head as another tear slipped free. A hand came up to suppress her sobs before she shook her head. She hated this, hated everything of this Maker-damn mess.

Why did Loghain have to betray them, betray King Calian? From what she heard, King Calian's father, Maric, had been good friends with Loghain. What made a man turn his back on his best friend and kill his son?

Why did Arl Howe have to slaughter an entire family? Was he so desperate for power that he killed an 18-year-old woman who had been so in love with Alistair? A 6-year-old boy who had been her nephew? Where was the threat in that?

She straightened up, allowing anger to fuel her on and wiped away her tears. She was going to end this Blight. Then she was going to see what her future held for her, hopefully it held the two important men in her life.

She made her way into the sitting room where the gang were sitting around the fire. They had all been there during the Landsmeet and they had been unsure what to say regarding Alistair's display. Even Wynne, who had come to adore Alistair as a son, had been speechless.

They looked up when they heard her enter. She could see the indecision on their faces, they wanted to say something but they just had no words. How do you ask if someone was okay when it was clear that they weren't? How do you ask how to help someone when there was nothing you could do?

"Solona," She turned when she heard his voice to see Arl Eamon was standing in the doorway wringing his hands and she knew she wasn't going to like what came next. "How is he?"

"How do you think?" she asked with disbelief. Had the man forgotten Alistair collapsing in the middle of the Landsmeet the moment Loghain had announced that his lover was dead with glee? Had he forgotten Alistair losing his temper and cutting Loghain's head off in front of everyone, the blood splattering upon Anora as she watched in disbelief?

He cleared his throat, looking away before he sighed. She knew he wanted Alistair to be the King. Due to Alistair's rage and grief, he had stormed out before they could decide who would be the heir to the throne. Anora had asked them to come back at a later date, she hadn't known of Alistair's lover's death and she wanted to deal with her own emotions over her father's happiness that a daughter had been killed and rubbed in it Alistair's face.

"You need to talk to him," Eamon started. "You must understand, you need to talk to him-"

"And do what?" she demanded as she whirled on the older man, startling her group. "Force Alistair to become a King when he had made it clearly he has no desire to be one? To force him into an arranged marriage with a woman he would never be able to look at let alone love?!"

"He will get over her," Arl Eamon protested but even that sounded weak to his ears. He had been there when Alistair and Elissa had become smitten with each other and even when Alistair believed he was to become a Templar, he still held onto the amulet, holding it close to his heart.

He closed his eyes as he remembered Alistair's excitement over being able to marry Elissa Cousland when the blight was over. Now that he was no longer a Templar-in-Training, he was now a Grey Warden therefore he wasn't bound by the strict rules of chastity. He knew right then that Alistair's love had only deepened for the young woman over the years.

"He is dead!" he flinched at the dull tone in her voice and looked up to see her broken heart in her green eyes. "He'll never move on from her. She was the one thing he was fighting for and that bastard took her away! There is nothing left!" Tears that had been filming her eyes finally slipped free.

"Solona," Leliana came up and slipped her arm around the mage's waist, pulling her into a sideway hug. Solona wiped away her tears before she shook her head.

"I…I can't deal with this right now," she told Eamon. "But I have to admit, I think I will be supporting Anora after all. She has the chance to rule her country fairly and find someone to love. Alistair…his heart will not be in it." She pulled away from Leliana's grasp and exited the room leaving behind a group who didn't know what to say, and a tired old man who wished for a future that wouldn't come true.

~_TTM_~

She wandered around the estate, trying to come to terms with everything. She and Alistair had been called to meet Riordan. The young man had barely taken anything in and she thinks she had stopped listening after Riordan admitted that a Grey Warden has to sacrifice their life to end the blight.

She had snuck a quick look at Alistair after this news was given but saw no indication that he had even heard. Riordan told them that he was going to deal the final blow as he was near the end of his calling.

After Riordan had dismissed them, Alistair headed straight back to his room and she decided to walk around the estate, needing to get her thoughts in order. Could she give up her life to save everyone else? She knew that Riordan would do everything in his power to ensure he would the one to take down the Archdemon but she wasn't stupid to believe the plan was fool-proof.

Could she die knowing her and Cullen's last words were exchanged in anger? As much as she was angry at him, she still loved him. She slowed to a stop at a window, looking out at night sky. She remembered one night they met up in their secret room.

He had been delayed so she contented herself with looking at the stars when he came up behind her, kissing her shoulders. They had made love against the wall, slow and tender.

Tears pricked the back of her eyes as she closed them, her lips parting as the memory swept through her, strong as ever. It was almost like she could will herself to be there and she could be in his arms.

She didn't want to die, the thought rang through her. She didn't want to die and have her last moments with Cullen in anger. She wanted nothing more than to grab a horse and high-tail it to the Circle where she could confess her feelings for the Templar.

But she couldn't…she had to be here. She may not want to die…but she knew when it came down to it, she would gladly give up her life just to give Ferelden one more night of peace.

She sighed, retreating back to her room where she spotted Morrigan sitting on the end of her bed. She frowned, she knew Morrigan had her own room and they had already spoken earlier.

"I've never wished for anything," Morrigan started as she tilted her head in Solona's direction. "Flemeth – Mother – had always dismissed it as a childish thing to do so I never wished…but now, I feel I should wish for something, even though I know I probably would not receive my wish."

"Morrigan," Solona closed her door and sat down next to Morrigan, wondering what had brought the dark-haired mage to her room. They sat in silence, Morrigan obviously working up the courage as her yellow eyes darted around the room.

"You know, I was going to offer you a way out of the sacrifice," Morrigan spoke up and Solona turned to face the dark-haired mage. "There is a way to survive killing the Archdemon."

"But?" she prodded, curious to what had changed Morrigan's mind. The two of them had become good friends, almost sisters and she knew once Morrigan's mind was set, nothing could change it.

"I would have to sleep with Alistair in order for him to bare me a child. That child would carry the taint and the soul of the old-god would transfer into the child, saving the two of you," she explained. Solona understood why Morrigan had changed her mind.

"Alistair would never consent to it, even if I were to plead him," Solona said. Morrigan nodded, almost sadly.

"I truly believe, if his betroth was still alive, this might have been an option…but I saw him and I know, there is no saving him. He does not wish to live," she whispered. Solona's lips curled up in a sad smile.

"Makes you wish you were kinder to him now, huh?" she gently teased. Morrigan scoffed but it was half-hearted. Solona could see the tears filming the hawk-like eyes. Deep behind her walls and scathing attitude, Morrigan was a softy at heart.

"I do not wish to lose you," she admitted in a whisper, turning to look at Solona. "You have become a dear friend, almost like a sister." She tilted her head. "But you have already made up your mind, haven't you?"

"I can't sacrifice the people of Ferelden because I am scared," Solona took Morrigan's hands in hers. "I wish I could say I have no regrets because I do."

"The Templar," Morrigan's lips curled up in a sneer. Solona knew Morrigan held a deep contempt for Cullen for hurting her, the others did as well. Alistair was the only one who understood and that was probably because he was in love.

"Cullen is a sweet man who understood me," she whispered. "What you saw was a man in pain after seeing his comrades, his friends; die around him and being taunted with an image that wasn't real."

"I will never understand love," Morrigan sighed. Solona laughed softly as they rested foreheads.

"One day, Morrigan, you will experience love then you will understand," Solona promised her before they embraced, needing this moment of comfort as they knew it could very well be the last time they had this chance.

Morrigan went back to her room and Solona got changed into her nightwear and curled up under the covers of the bed she had been given, staring at the ceiling while the light coming from the fire cast patterns on her ceiling.

She was reminded of the time she and Cullen slept in that room. She closed her eyes, remembering how it felt to be curled up in Cullen's arms.

_She had been sleeping on her side with Cullen pressed up against her back. She woke up, her gaze drawn to the fire. She turned her head to see Cullen was sleeping and looking peaceful. Her heart had melted at the sight of his boyish features before she turned back to the fire feeling at peace and safe within his arms._

_ It was ironic, everyone would have agreed that a Mage would never been safe within a Templar's arms but Cullen was different, he had a way of keeping her grounded, making her see her fears – while they were real – they didn't have to control her life._

_ She had been lost in thoughts that she was startled when she felt soft lips press against her shoulder and purred, pressing back against Cullen's body as he tightened his arm around her waist, pulling her in._

_ "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" he asked; his voice husky with sleep._

_ "Just thinking," she whispered, a smile curling her lips when she felt him drop lingering kisses over her shoulders._

_ "About what?" he asked between kisses. She giggled, turning over in his arms and meeting his lips with hers. He groaned softly, his hand coming up to tangle in her hair. Her hands ran over his chest, enjoying the feel of his hot skin and light chest hair._

_ He deepened the kiss causing her to purr in pleasure, his hand detangling itself from her hair and slipping under the covers, running over her skin and dipping lower…_

She came out of her thoughts with a gasp, swallowing as she tried to keep her feelings from her memories. She suddenly felt cold without his arms around her and she twisted, turning in her bed so her back was to the fire when there was a soft knock at her door.

She sat up when the door creaked open; parting enough for a light muscular figure to slip through the gap and the fire illuminated his features.

"Alistair," She whispered. Alistair closed the door and walked over to the bed. He climbed in, facing her. She tilted her head, wondering what had brought him here to her when he should be sleeping.

"I lied," Alistair started and she frowned, confused. "I knew she was dead, deep inside of me but I never wanted to face it. I felt it the moment she died, everything turned bleak, I felt so…cold, so lost but I forced it to the back of my mind because of the war, then I forced myself to believe it was because we had lost Duncan and the Grey Warden." He breathed harshly before a sob wracked his body.

Solona shushed him, pulling him into her arms so his head could rest on her lap. "I need her, Solona."

"I know," she whispered. She knew what it was like to need someone. "I know, Alistair. And I know there is nothing I can say, or do, to help ease the pain." He curled around her legs, his shoulders shaking with supressed sobs. "All I can do is be here for you and tell you, you will see her again, Alistair. All in time but she would want you to live your life for her."

He clawed at her covered legs, shaking his head as his sobs turned harsher and she felt her heart break. She hated not being able to help him during his time of need, she hated not having the words to heal his heart or bring back the dead.

"I feel empty, so cold," he whispered and she closed her eyes at his words. She felt the same. "Will I ever feel human again?"

"We'll still have each other, Alistair," she whispered, running her hands through his hair in a comforting soothing motion, her fingertips glowing faintly with a green light. Alistair's eyes slowly drifted close. "You're not alone; we are here for you Alistair."

She leaned over to see Alistair was sleeping peacefully and sighed, cancelling the sleep spell she had cast. Alistair needed the sleep and she knew that he wouldn't have been able to rest without aid. She just hoped he wouldn't blame her the next morning.

~_TTM_~

She couldn't believe they had made it this far, they were near the roof where the Archdemon had crashed landed after Riordan had damaged one of its wings. He had died in the process and she had to turn her head away when she saw it. She had known, deep down, that Riordan wouldn't make it to kill the Archdemon, that it would be down to her and Alistair.

She looked over to her Grey Warden companion, he was leaning against the wall, sweating as he looked around, obviously sensing Darkspawns nearby. He looked at her and gave her a short nod with a small smile to go with it.

They had taken out the Generals as advised so the Archdemon wouldn't have backup when it called to them and she was grateful they had taken the Generals out, she had a feeling the battle was already going to be tough enough as it was without the other two taking control of the battlefield.

Even now, she could hear the Archdemon calling out for backup, for its' Generals before she turned to look at her group. She had taken Wynne, as a healer. Leliana was her archer and Alistair was her backup, he knew how to attract the enemies' attention.

They looked at each other when they heard the Archdemon call out once more and they knew, once they stepped through that door – there was no turning back and looking into their faces, she could see they had accepted their fates.

Tonight, the blight was going to end, one way or another.

~_TTM_~

They panted heavily as the Archdemon let out one wail before its head slammed onto the ground, causing them to be thrown off-balance for a moment. Once she straightened up, Solona picked up the sword that Alistair had dropped. She gazed at it for a moment before she looked up to see Alistair standing in front of her with an unreadable expression.

"Alistair?" she frowned. He gave her that dopey smile and her heart felt lighter, he was going to be okay. He pulled her into an embrace. Startled, her arms came up around him.

"I just want you to know that you've been the sister I've always wanted. I would have never made it far without you. You helped me to get here and I thank you." He pulled away, gripping her hands. She gave him a teary smile but she was still confused, something was wrong. "I'm sorry Solona," Alistair whispered as he grabbed the sword from her and ran toward the Archdemon before she could even utter a word.

The moment she saw the sword slide into the Archdemon's neck, her felt heart freeze and her lips parted in a scream of his name. But it was too late, a bright light enveloped Alistair and the dragon, blinding them.

She didn't know how long it lasted but the light gave way to a beam of red light, exploding among the rooftop before darkness enveloped them. She blinked, her eyes going straight to the spot where Alistair and the Archdemon had been.

He was not there…neither of them were.

She fell to her knees, her green eyes searching the rooftop for any sign of Alistair's body, proof that he had died but there was none to be found and heart-wrenching sobs wracked her body.

Leliana and Wynne watched the broken woman cry and felt tears enter their eyes, Daleth howled mournfully at the loss of his friend. This wasn't how it was meant to go, they were all meant to survive and see the new future they fought for.

"Solona…" Leliana whispered as she helped the sobbing woman up. "We can't stay here." Wynne came round the other side and both of them pulled Solona up to her feet.

She swayed, the exhaustion of the battle taking its toll on her and the emotional impact weakening her. Her legs felt heavy and her head was pounding as the women led her over to the doors that would lead them down to the others before she spotted something out of the corner of her eyes.

"Wait…" she croaked. Both women did so and she untangled herself from them, slowly limping over to the object on the floor. More tears filled her eyes the moment she saw what it was.

Alistair's amulet from Elissa.

She knelt down and picked up the amulet. Fresh tears fell down her cheeks as she cradled it close to her chest. It was the one thing she had of him and she hated it. He should be here with them to see a new future…but she knew, deep in her heart, he was with the woman he loved and he was happy.

Her dog came to a stop next to her and licked her cheek. She lifted her head and locked eyes with him. In a flash of a moment, she saw Alistair talking to Daleth in low tones, telling him to protect Solona after he was gone because he wanted the peace he so desperately sought with the woman he loved.

Coming out of the vision, she flung her arms around Daleth's neck and sobbed into his neck. Daleth just whined softly, resting his head on her shoulder as he tried to comfort her the best he could.

Wynne and Leliana just leaned into each other, holding the other up as they watched the heart-breaking sight before them before they lifted their eyes to the sun-rising, holding the promise of a new dawn and a new future.

~_TTM_~

She found herself standing at the bottom of the steps, watching as Anora was crowned Queen. It was strange, knowing that a twist of fate could have Alistair easily becoming the King with his betrothed as his Queen but Fates dealt the hands they had and they lost.

She vaguely listened to Crowning then Anora's speech, nearly missing Anora calling her name, gesturing for her to stand next to the Queen in order to be rewarded for doing her duty. She slowly made her way up the stairs and came to a stop next to Anora, her green eyes scanning the crowd.

Her friends, her family, stood at the back as they silently mourned for the loss of someone they had grown close to. Her dog was at the front, watching her with soulful dark eyes. He seemed to understand her every movement and she could see him twitching, wanting to stand next to her.

First-Enchanter Irving and Knight-Commander Gregoir were off to the side, watching her with looks of pride on their faces. Her heart cracked further when she noticed Cullen wasn't there and she willed back the tears, turning to Anora.

"There is nothing I can say or do would prove our gratitude for stopping the Blight," Anora started. "But is there anything I can reward you with?" Ideas filled her mind, all ranging from her past up to her present but there was only one that escaped her lips.

"Never forget Alistair for his sacrifice," she told Anora with a toneless voice. The crowd became silent as a result. "He died to end this blight and to be with the woman he loves. Never," a sob broke free, "Never forget him."

"We won't," Anora promised, a hand going to Solona's elbow in comfort before she gently squeezed and stepped back. "We will build a statue to show the world the sacrifices the Grey Warden make to keep us safe."

Solona nodded, it was all she could ask for, her tears brimming and blurring her vision as memories of Alistair swam in front of her. She remembered him laughing, the look of love on his face when he talked about his lover, his determination to survive and stop the blight and the never-ending comments that helped to break the mood.

"What are you going to do now?" Queen Anora asked.

~_TTM_~

One by one, her companions slowly decided to head off in their own directions. Morrigan had decided that she would keep to her wish and travel, taking a part of the group with her as they had helped her to grow in so many ways…and maybe she would experience love as she did.

Zevran decided to experience his freedom, despite still having the Crows of Antiva after him but he was a capable assassin who would be able to protect himself.

Sten had decided to return home back to his people, no longer shamed over having lost his sword. They had managed to find it, returning it to its rightful owner and Sten had decided it was time.

Wynne was going to stay on with the Court after Anora had asked her to become her liaison with the Mages. She wanted to make the Circle a better place and for people to understand mages. Wynne had been delighted and agreed to stay on, telling Solona that she still had time left and if she could use it to make the lives of Mages easier, then it was worth it.

Oghren had decided to go back to the Spoiled Princess where his lover was waiting. Solona was thankful that she had been able to help Oghren with his ex-lover. He deserved love after what happened with his wife and she had a feeling Felsi would keep Oghren in line.

Daleth was by her side as they stood on the roof of the castle. Solona had wanted to watch the sun set knowing that it was a free time for Ferelden, they no longer had to worry about the blight – the Darkspawns were slowly returning to the Deep Roads – although she had heard rumours about them popping up in other places.

She turned her head when she heard soft footsteps to see Leliana walking toward her. Leliana gave her a soft smile when she came to a stop next to Solona.

"You never answered the Queen's question," Leliana told her. "What are you going to do?" Solona shrugged as she watched the setting sun.

"I don't know," she admitted, holding up the amulet, allowing it sway before she turned to look at Leliana. "I think…I might travel."

Leliana smiled as she nodded. "Want to come along with me?" Solona asked and Leliana's grin grew wider.

"Yes, after all, I'm sure our story is not done yet." Solona smiled as the two of them locked arms and turned to watch the sun set. It was the beginning of a new adventure, and this time, they would let the past carry them forward.

The End

Holy hell, I actually killed Alistair off in a fic *sobs*

Sequel: '_Because There Is None to Be Found_' is coming soon


End file.
